Chronicles of a depressed Indian wife

good wife

Extracted from empathetic listening……(social encounters of a nonwimpy wife)

Chronicles of a depressed Indian wife#001

“How was your day?”  He looks at me. He doesn’t like questions. “fine,” said he. I am serving dinner. He doesn’t look away from the cell phone. “I don’t like this dish. You don’t know how to cook. Take interest in cooking.” I avoid looking at him or replying him. What’s the point? I don’t care what he says. I have stopped caring a while ago. There are hardly 3-4 sentences that we speak to each other during a day or maybe night. Or maybe since long. He never realizes it. I am too strong willed to take the initiative. Maybe egoistic. I don’t know. I never complain about anything. I solve my own problems. Probably he doesn’t like it that way. Maybe he thinks a wife should be subdued. A mute follower. Maybe a passive listener. I don’t think I can be that. How can an independent woman be so? Unless she is taught to be or up brought to be. Maybe my parents are to blame. They never taught me to accept the fate without fighting.

Chronicles of a depressed Indian wife#002

“you are not interested in household work. Look at my friend’s wives, they all do the chores with interest” he says. “No, they do not. It’s a part of their job description which has been assigned by centuries, woven in culture and injected into their blood by their family” I think. No point in arguments. Do you think my daughter will do the same? I honestly don’t know. But better it be her choice, not a duty.

Chronicles of a depressed Indian wife#003

“you are supposed to look cheerful and happy when some guests come to our house” ok. Well. I am on my periods and they appeared unannounced. I have my plans with my daughter. I can cancel them but I can’t act over cheerful because I must. I can be formal but not genuinely happy.  “What year is it?” “2016”. Yes, ok. Not much since 1947, I guess. There is a series of lectures and monologs of advice on being an ideal wife, Repeating and on-air broadcasting by him every week or two. Is there anything like an ideal wife? Who invented the rules? How do you define it? Who gave you the insight to define what an ideal wife should be like? Did you got inspired by mythology? Do you follow the same for being an ideal husband? Have you checked lately? Society has become important than your family.

Chronicles of a depressed Indian wife#004

“you do not dress up properly. You have no interest in looking presentable in public.  You don’t have a fashion sense.”  Well I am a kind of person who likes being comfortable than presentable. I love t-shirt and jeans over ridiculous long dresses and heels. I do dress up but not too much. I like being simple. Not that I am not beautiful. I had long line of suitors before I got married to you. I am a middle-class wife of an ambitious husband. I will dress up when I like and what I like. Passing from a security check counter of your approval on every occasion exhausts me out. Throws away my interest in dressing up. Did you think ever to ask me for once what I like to wear?

To be continued……….

 

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Changing Parenting…

Silhouette, group of happy children playing on meadow, sunset, sI was in the park with my daughter, we regularly go for a walk….
One day while passing by I saw one of the children fell down. His mother ran to his son, scooped him in her lap and started inquiring – “Are you hurt? Let me see! Do no cry! Shush, mama is here.”
The child had a scraped knee, who was perfectly OK till then, started crying earnestly.
while talking one of the child’s mother said to her son-“your teacher scolded you??? mommy is stronger than her. I will see to it……….”
I was at a friend’s home for lunch. Her 5-year old daughter refused to eat what was cooked for lunch. My friends felt so guilty that her daughter would go hungry, that she cooked up her favorite pasta immediately. According to her, it was not the first time this had happened.

Our parents taught us self-reliance, respect to teachers, and scolded when we were wrong, I was the toughest kid of the lot and how did I become so??

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Now A Days, we hover around our children and want to protect them at all costs. We like to hold our babies closer to the protection of the nest. We go out of our way and rustle up something when they don’t eat what’s cooked at home for everyone else, because we don’t want them to sleep hungry. Instead of letting them play outside, we organize activities for them. We do their homework and their assignments. We even resolve their conflicts for them.

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It makes me wonder, what will happen to these kids when they grow up?
Will they be able to handle disappointment? A child who has never been denied anything, how will he cope with rejections?
How will they learn to respect their teacher?
There are a growing number of cases when kids run away from home or commit suicide because they are not able to deal with low marks in examinations or when they fail to secure an admission in an institution of their choice.

Will their parents keep them hidden in their bosom all their life? Our mothers never ran after us, a scraped knee was just that. She would ask us to wash it with some water and then forget about it. But, there was no drama that followed.

Falling and hurting was a part of daily life for us. We cycled, climbed up trees and jumped from the stairs. Today, kids travel in elevators and escalators (because they might fall down the stairs and get themselves hurt). Earlier, kids walked and cycled. Played and fell. Fought and reconciled.

I hardly see kids walking nowadays unless it’s a kids’ marathon and they are required to pose for selfies with their cool mommies.

Will they shy away from competition or be able to survive it? OK, so we can accompany our kids till the college gate and sit in the waiting area while they appear for a job interview.

A child who is never used to losing – how will he survive in the big bad world?

We are raising our kids to be adult babies.
Stop telling our children that they are special all the time. They are not, at least not always. So reserve the praises for the times when they actually deserve.

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Stop going out of the way to create happiness in their life. The life is a mix of joys and sorrows, and it is for a reason. We have no right to interfere with nature. So let’s stop pretending that everything is all right when it’s not. Let the kids have their fair share of disappointments at an early age. It’s better to learn disappointment at 10 then at 30.!!!!

Teach girls to be brave, not perfect..!

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Heard parents saying..???

“Dont go in sun to play, you will get tanned” ” Be careful while playing, you will get bruised,  I don’t want you to get marks on your Pretty face” “Take care of yourself, don’t ignore your health, you have to look pretty when you grow up” “My perfect little girl, always dressed up”

And ” My son is so naughty, he always comes home with injury every other day”(pride faced) ” I don’t have to worry about him, he can take care of himself”

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In our society, most girls are taught to avoid risk and failure. Girls are taught to smile pretty, play it safe, get all A’s. Boys, on the other hand, are taught to play rough, swing high, crawl to the top of the monkey bars and then just jump off head first. And by the time they’re adults,  they’re habituated to take risk after risk. They’re rewarded for it. In other words, we’re raising our girls to be perfect, and we’re raising our boys to be brave.

Girls are as good as boys in Maths, analytics and problem solving: NCERT survey says. We are not arguing about who is better here. Nor are we discussing gender discrimination. We are talking about a totally different approach.

In her speech at TEDTALK, Reshma Saujani says: A Psychologist found in her study that bright girls were quick to give up. The higher the IQ, the more likely they were to give up. Bright boys, on the other hand, found the difficult material to be a challenge.They found it energizing. They were more likely to redouble their efforts. It‘s not a question of ability. The difference is in how boys and girls approach a challenge.

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A professor at the University of Columbia and teaches intro to Java says  about his office hours with computer science students. When the guys are struggling with an assignment,they’ll come in and they’ll say, “Professor, there’s something wrong with my code.” The girls will come in and say, “Professor, there’s something wrong with me.” Girls will prefer not showing anything done rather  than showing an incorrect work.

An HP report found that men will apply for a job if they meet only 60 percent of the qualifications, but women, women will apply only if they meet 100 percent of the qualifications. 100 percent. This study is usually invoked as evidence that, well, women need a little more confidence. But I think it’s evidence that women have been socialized to aspire to perfection, and they’re overly cautious.

It’s either 100 percent or nothing, but not in a good way. It’s either getting it done or giving up. There is no trial and error approach. And that is disturbing.

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We have to socialize our girls to be comfortable with imperfection, and we’ve got to do it. We cannot wait for them to learn how to be brave like I did when I was 20 years old. We have to show them ,its ok to make mistakes, its ok to take risks and its ok  to fail.

 She further says: We have to teach them to be brave  early in their careers, when it has the most potential to impact their lives and the lives of others, and we have to show them that they will be loved and accepted not for being perfect but for being courageous

 And so I request each of you to tell every young woman you know — your sister, your niece,  your student, your employee, your colleague — to be comfortable with imperfection, because when we teach girls to be imperfect, and we help them leverage it, we will build a movement of young women who are brave and who will build a better world for themselves and for each and every one of us. 

Girls just dont have to be perfect, they can be imperfect and yet take risks and evolve, Struggle and achieve, err and Learn.

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